The last few days I have noticed that I don't always get an e-mail notice when a comment has been posted on my blog. For that reason, I had missed reading a few comments. I want to especially send a hug and a word of thanks to Maria and to Enid for your kind words on Tuesday's post.
It has been hard accepting that I am upset. The threat of depression puts me on edge because it can screw up everything I have been working so hard for lately. It scares me that my anger will somehow cause my determination to falter. I dread falling off the wagon and going back to eating excessively and indiscriminately. To put it bluntly, I am scared of giving up. I am no stranger to giving up. In the past I have made half-hearted promises to change my lifestyle in favor of a healthier one. I have made vows I never intended to keep, and was not surprised when those were broken. But I have also made vows I firmly believed in, established routines that worked for a few months, only to see them come to an end at some point.
Let me give you an example, so you can understand what is going through my mind. I have quit smoking three times in my life: in early 1996 (after my then mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer); in 2004 (right before I got pregnant with Isabel) and in late 2005 (after a three-month relapse). Each time I told myself that I would never smoke again, and I meant it. Each time I was sincere in my intentions, and successful at keeping smoke-free for an extended period of time. But two of those times, the decision to quit smoking ultimately did not stick. And even though it has been over two years since I quit smoking the last time, I would be a fool if I categorically claimed that I will never smoke again.
Like alcoholism, nicotine addiction is pervasive, so to keep from falling again takes vigilance. By now it is second nature for me. I just avoid situations that might tempt me. No bars, for example. But how do you do that with food? Sure, I can control what I buy at the supermarket, banish toxic foods from the house. But it is so much harder.