Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Tuesday- Anger

I am very sick. I am extremely tired. Whatever Gabriel and Paula had, I caught. My chest is tight, I have difficulty breathing. I am coughing a lot. On one level I knew the right thing to do was for me to stay home in bed, resting. So I did. But I can't help feeling like I have done something wrong, like I am playing hooky when I should just have sucked it up and gone to work. My life is one big instance of cognitive dissonance. And I am so over the feeling of dread.

I have spent most of my day in bed, watching Make me a Supermodel reruns (stupid) and Doctor Who episodes. I have also been reading about diabetes. I have been very deliberate about what I eat, how much and when I eat it. I have also measured my blood sugar twice today.

The truth is, I am still in shock. I cry at times. No matter what, there is no turning back now. This diagnosis is a life sentence, regardless of whether it is pre-diabetes (as I believe it is) or full-blown type 2. Gone are the days when I would eat what I wanted with no concerns, when my reasons for wanting to lose weight were purely aesthetical. All I can think of now is my father's death, and the lady I knew who lost both her legs.

It seems everywhere I turn, the same pearl of wisdom is hurled at me, in the books I read and the conversations I have with family. Maybe this is what you needed to take charge of your life and take better care of yourself. Many people diagnosed with diabetes learn to eat better and become more active, losing weight and feeling healthier and more alive than ever before.

To which I reply, bullshit. I am not going to celebrate this fucking disease. I am not going to be grateful for the opportunity to slow down and treat myself as some precious creature in need of constant attendance. I don't think I am quite fucking there yet, thank you very much.


  1. I'm so sorry Ingrid. This sucks, and I understand your anger. All I can offer is hugs.

    And hey, did I know that you watch DW? Or is this a new development?

  2. I so sorry for your pain Ingrid. My heart breaks for you.

    lots of hugs my friend.

  3. Thanks, girls. I will be alright, but I needed to vent.

    Shannon, I was behind on my DW watching. I have liked the series since I was a kid, but I had missed most of the new series episodes. I have a lot of them recorded in my DVR and have been watching them gradually. The one I watched yesterday was "Human Nature."

  4. Como toda puertorriqueña tengo familiares y amigos diabéticos. Empezando con mi mamá, quien es la única diabética en su familia. Mi abuela paterna la padeció también. Algunos tíos. Y otros amigos. Tengo un amigo que después del diagnóstico de diabetes faltó una semana al trabajo. Estaba en shock, en negación y deprimido. Yo tengo muchas posibilidades de padecerla por mi historial familiar y por padecer de obesidad mórbida. Te cuento todo esto para que veas que lo que estás sintiendo es normal. Yo tampoco creo en el destino ni que cosas malas pasan para que disfrutemos de cosas buenas. Pienso que la diabetes es una condición horrible y que mientras más eduquemos estemos y tomemos la vida y salud en nuestras manos podremos enfrentarla con dignidad. No sé qué más decirte, solo te deseo lo mejor, Ingrid.

    Un abrazo,


  5. It is very hard. I know. I have type 1 diabetes. Believe it or not, you will adjust. And it will all become second nature. But, that initial diagnosis is very, very scary. So sorry, Ingrid.