Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out
Barely Breathing- Duncan Sheik
I have not done Three Word Wednesday in such a long time. Let's see how it goes. This week's words are Money, Tangled and Understood.
Isabel's whimpers and cries for her bobo (pacifier) woke me up at 5:30 this morning. After looking for her bobo all over the bed, I found it all tangled up in the knitted blanket from Nana. I gave it to her, and in an instant she was back to sleep. Meanwhile, I was up and alert. Way too alert, almost jumpy. Gabe got up and went to the bathroom. He saw me sitting up in bed, asked if I was OK. I was not. An unexplained sadness was oozing from me. It wasn't due to a dream, since the last I remember before waking up was this SNL skit playing in my head. Was it hormones affecting my mood, perhaps? The feminist in me hates that explanation as it reeks of determinism and can be used to dismiss valid concerns. The woman in me knows there is a lot of truth to the statement that hormone fluctuations can wreak havoc in your psyche.
Gabe came back to bed. He touched my hand and said he hoped I could get back to sleep. By then I was looking for the TV remote control, and crawling out of my skin. How can you go from a funny dream to extreme anxiety in a matter of minutes? All I could think of was money. Have I already spent too much this Spring Break week? Will we have enough money to last us through the end of the month? In this economic climate, what will happen if I were to lose my job? Will I be able to find another job that would pay enough to cover our household expenses?
Gabriel complained of nasal congestion and asked me if we had any medicines to help with that. I mentioned he could either take an allergy pill or a non-drowsy decongestant. But then I thought about the fact that non-drowsy meds can accelerate the heart, and my mind went off on another tangent. What will happen to us if Gabriel dies? Will I be able to carry on and support my kids on my own? Will I lose my house? What will happen to my family?
A wave of anxiety hit me and I started to cry. I felt so lost, so helpless and alone. I begged Gabe to take care of himself and not die, as I did not have anybody else here to help me carry on. My family is all back home. My father has been dead for 18 years. My mom is nearing 70; she's had cancer and she suffers from high blood pressure. When she dies, I surely will lose my moorings.
Normally I am confident, strong, self-reliant. Insecure, clingy people annoy me, yet that was exactly what I had been reduced to at that moment. Gabe got up and came over to my side of the bed. He gave me a hug and told me he understood how I felt. He said if his mother died he would have a hard time coping too, as she is the only inmediate family he has left. He then went back to bed and asked me to try and get some rest, that it was still early. But I was wide awake by then, so I got up and went outside the room. I listened to some music and decided to tackle the Three Word Wednesday challenge.