Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday afternoon breakdown

Had lunch with my friend T, and a couple other friends from work whom I had not seen in a while. Lunch was nice, and I was really glad to be there. T is a great friend, and since she moved to Colorado I have missed her, so it's good to be able to spend time together. At times I even forgot the pervassive sadness and had a good meal, chatting with my friends.

After lunch, as I drove back home I thought of T. She reads my blog, probably the only friend from real life who does. I wonder what she thinks when she reads the barrage of depressive feelings that afflict me. After seeing me act like a normal person at lunch, does she believe what I write? In the past I have been classified as a "highly-functioning" depressive, so I always tend to think I put up a good enough front. But do I, really?

That line of thinking made me sad, and I ended up crying in the car, all the way back home. What kind of freak cries alone in the car after spending a good time with friends?

I came home and spent the entire afternoon listening obsessively to Tommy Torres' new CD. He incorporates typical Puerto Rican sounds in some of his songs (jíbaro music, a plena). Some of the songs are making me tear up from nostalgia. Naturally, those are the songs I repeat endlessly.

It's 6:05 PM. I am done with work. I had a late conference call, but I have been done for at least twenty minutes. Gabe and the others are already there. He is waiting for me. I should get ready. I should be showered and dressed by now. I should be leaving the house now. But I am having a hard time getting started. I must break the circular thinking pattern and stop listening to this music that is tearing me inside.

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