Family

Yesterday I got the urge to call my mom in the middle of the workday. We usually talk at least once a week on weekends, and last weekend we did not get to talk. I called her for a short talk and we exchanged news. She has a doctor's appointment today about her thyroid, hopefully everything will be alright.

We discussed my recent blood sugar surges, and how I think they may be in part related to my hormonal cycle. I told her about my efforts to control my blood sugar levels without medicines, just by diet and exercise alone. This made her reminisce about my dad. She told me that when he was first diagnosed he was not medicated and was instead trying to keep his diabetes under control through a strict calorie diet. I did not know this.

"He would call me to tell me how many calories he had left, so I could plan dinner. He ate a lot of cabbage back then. He was doing so good, before he started drinking again. Last Monday was your dad's birthday, remember?"

He would have been 76 this year. Sometimes I get shocked when I realize he has been gone for so long, over eighteen years.

Last night, while I worked out at the gym, I could not stop thinking about him. In the beginning he tried to control his diabetes by changing his diet, and he was doing good, until he fell off the wagon. And we know how that turned out.

I am walking the same path he walked years ago. Am I doomed to follow his footsteps? Will I have the discipline to see this through on a long term basis? Will I get bored and let my guard down?

I don't have a drinking problem, in fact I seldom drink alcohol. But I know how easy it is to let go and fall back into habitual patterns of overeating, of bingeing on candies and other foods loaded with refined sugar. I know how tempting it is to say "oh, fuck it, I'm never going to lose weight, I might as well be fat and enjoy myself."

I miss my dad a lot. Since my diagnosis, I have felt closer to him, or rather to my memories of him. I see a lot of my father in myself, and I have come to understand him a little better. I see now where all his anger came from, for I feel it in my bones.

I wish he would have stuck with his plans to get healthy. I very much wish I could have him alive with us today. Since this is not possible, I am only left with the option of making sure I do not follow his example, so I can be around as long as possible, for my daughters' sake.