Monday, April 21, 2008

Perpetual Bitchfest

I am not happy lately. I am not happy. There, I said it. It's out of the bag.

I love my daughters. I love my husband. I hate my job. I hate my life. Or, rather, the way I have been living it lately. I hate how much the stress from work has grown lately, and how it has spilled over so overwhelmingly into my domestic life.

I am not handling the stress very well. I am unhappy. I am quick to anger and very easily confused. I am overly sensitive and get defensive at the slightest criticism. I am increasingly reclusive, resorting to working from home more frequently these days. Yes, I have been sick lately with a sinus infection. But I don't think that is the main reason why I worked from home 4 out of 5 days last week. I know it is not the reason why today I am fighting the urge to stay home and work remotely.

I have trouble falling asleep at night. I am tired all the time. My house is more cluttered and disorganized than ever, a predictable reflection of my inner turmoil.

What do I do? In less stressful times, I liked my job. I have a job with a decent salary and good benefits. For all my current stress, I can't even begin to imagine how much more difficult my life would be if it wasn't for this job. I am not struggling to pay my mortgage. I am not struggling to put food on the table or pay my bills. I do not have to worry about where am I going to get money to live. I am very aware that I am in a good situation. I do count my blessings. I do consider myself lucky. I could be a lot worse off, financially speaking.

But I am not happy. I am a nervous wreck. I am miserable. What do I do about that?


  1. Ingrid, I too lived in Texas, twice! In San Angelo, San Antonio and El Paso.

    I read with interest what you've written and you strike me as a very sensitive woman. Tell me, do you pray?


  2. Ingrid, es posible que estés deprimida. Busca ayuda. Necesitas desahogarte con alguien que te pueda aconsejar bien. Quizás necesites un cambio en tu rutina y quizás ese cambio sea dejar el trabajo y empezar algo nuevo y retante para ti. Un negocio desde la casa? Un part-time? Es fácil decirlo, lo sé, pero no hacerlo. Te deseo todo lo mejor del mundo.

    Un abrazo,


  3. Estimada compatriota,

    Te regalo un consejo que pueda estar equivoco, pero lo tiro al medio para que lo consideres si no lo has hecho antes. A veces, especialmente cuando se tienen hijos y responsabilidades económicas, se vive para los demás y no para uno. Esos sentimientos se acumulan poco a poco sin darnos cuenta y un día queremos explotar como un volcán.
    La contención de esos sentimientos hace que nos sintamos tristes. Vive un poco para ti (esta bien de vez en cuando ser egoísta, es saludable para todos), después de todo tu te lo mereces.

    Un abrazo boricua.

  4. I guess you'll first have to count how many people are going to tell you that you're depressed or to pray.

    By all means go see a male shrink and let him diagnose you as depressed. Then you can kick him swiftly in the nuts. That'll make you feel better.

    And I recently ran across a bio about that guy from the music group Korn that found Jesus. Yeah, that seems to have worked for him. Now he's a whole different kind of crazy.

    You're feeling bad because when you have a brain and do the same thing over and over it starts to suck (stupid people are so lucky). So then you'll spend all that extra brain juice over-analyzing all the normal stresses in life. And then some real problems will show up to spice things up. That's life in America today.

    At this point you need to do damage control before I see your face on 60 minutes. If you can already acknowledge that you have a decent life, all things considered, that's most of the battle. You have to give your brain some solid activity founded in reality.

    Most important right now, stop day-dreaming. If I'm right so far, then your brain is bored and looking for something to do, so it’s throwing a party in your head which leads to a reduction in your ability to concentrate, anxiety, and trouble sleeping.

    Now is a good time to finally put to rest all those things that you dreamed about doing and aren’t really going to do. That stuff you thought up in high school that you might still be clinging on to saying “some day”. Figure out the stuff that you are certain you don’t want to do anymore and mentally dump it. You don’t want to be sitting around thinking that you could be doing this or that, no you already picked something else, and you need your mind in reality right now.

    As far as work, clear your mind as best you can while you are there. Make sure you say hello to everyone you come across everyday. That little bit of communication can do wonders. Keep home matters at home as best you can and work matters at work. Try your best to stay in the present.

    At home make sure you have physical contact with the people close to you. Hug them, hold their hands, sit close to them. Let proximity influence you, it’s a powerful force. If you talk about problems at work, try to limit yourself to only talking about really big issues, not anything small. Do your best to keep work stuff at work. But if something is really bugging you, don’t be afraid to make an exception.

    People with brains start freaking out when their brain has little to challenge it. You might be running your body ragged, but the brain is just sitting there. You’ll have a tendency to blur your life so that it loses distinction. Keeping home and work separate re-establishes some boundaries that will tease your brain a bit and make it have something to look forward to.

    At some point you’ll need to give your brain some extra work to do. Try starting with a daily walk alone where you allow your brain to just think about anything except work and home (more boundaries). Walk 10 minutes since you’ll probably say you don’t have the time, but you’ll be able to work in 30 easy.

    Once you start to mellow out a bit (in say 3 months of doing this), give your brain something more tangible. Take it to an art gallery or a museum or anything that you may not have done or done in a long time. Try doing this once per week, but do it ALONE. You need to re-establish those boundaries in your life that make it interesting. And you need to feel that you bring something to the relationship again. Getting stuck in a routine where everyone knows what everyone else is doing gets dull. You can do other stuff with your family, but let them know you need some personal time. A few hours a week shouldn’t be a problem for anyone.

  5. I wish I had words of encouragement or advice....and if you get some, please pass them MY WAY.

    I feel The Same Exact Way

    "I hate my job. I hate how much the stress from work has grown lately, and how it has spilled over so overwhelmingly into my domestic life."

    I know I know I know

    and IT SUCKS ASS

  6. oh and I totally agree with Greg when he said "You're feeling bad because when you have a brain and do the same thing over and over it starts to suck (stupid people are so lucky)"


  7. I agree with Greg too, Meleah. And I agree with Wilfredo as well. I need to live a little for myself, and do something I enjoy.

  8. downsize..... its only money.....and money cannot buy what you need....

  9. Paisley, you're shopping at the wrong store.

  10. I think downsizing would open a whole new can of worms and I would end up even more stressed than before. I like bringing an income home. My paycheck is stable and comes at specific times of the month. My husband is his own boss and he struggles with cash flow. I have seen how much he stresses over what his clients owe him or where is he going to get money to pay his bills.

    I was speaking to my boss yesterday and I told him I had been very stressed out lately, and that it wasn't at all about the workload or the turnaround times expected of me. Rather, the politics and bickering among groups are getting to me. He understood and told me to try not to worry and just do the best job I can from my position; let the big guns figure out what to do because that is why they get paid the big bucks.

  11. BiT: Me tope hoy con tu blog desde PR. Lo que sientes es parte de estar viva, de ser una mujer inteligente y de sensibilidad. No hay nada mal contigo. Primero, count your blessings. Después acepta que puedes hacer más por ti. Quieres escribir y este es el momento para hacerlo. Cuando estés ansiosa, escribe sobre y describe en detalle tu ansiedad. La ansiedad es síntoma de algo que quiere manifestarse y se encuentra reprimido. Por suerte tienes el blog. Yo hago lo mismo: escribo y escribo, de todo, hasta de lo que no sé tanto retándome a buscar la información que no tengo. Si tu medio de expresión son las letras, eres afortunada de haberte encontrado a tu edad. Mucha gente pasa la vida tratando de encontrar qué es lo que quiere hacer sin dar jamás con su medio de expresión. Cuando armonices tu vida interna con tu vida social se disiparán la depresión y la ansiedad. Acuérdate de vivir en presente, sabiendo que tienes a tu alcance lo que necesitas para ser feliz ahora: familia, ingreso, talento, sensibilidad. Bendiciones.