I had a horrible weekend. I definitely am going through one of my "down" periods. No matter how many times I have tried, there is no way to accurately convey what this implies. The closest I can come up with is this: it's like someone flicks a switch inside my head and all my shortcomings come into sharp view. I then come crashing down under the weight of unfulfilled expectations, self-loathing and stress.
I am drowning. When I am not picking fights with everybody over stupid stuff, I am crying uncontrollably. I can't stand this.
Friday's incident with Paula, and seeing her report card, set the tone for the rest of the weekend. I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault somehow, that she would do better in school if only I could be more directly involved with school life.
Saturday we went to a fall festival from work and part of the time it was rough. Paula had quite an attitude and I had quite a short fuse. The results were not pretty. I am still reeling from it. I wish I was a better mom, more patient, less angry.
On Sunday I had committed to help Gabe with the formatting of a document he is working on that was due today. It took much more time than I anticipated, and I did not get clean the house at all. My parents are coming to visit on Wednesday, the house is a pigsty and I do not have time to rectify that now. I wish I wasn't such a slob. I wish I did not always bite more than I can chew.
I also very anxious about work. I keep getting new, high-visibility projects thrown on my lap and I feel overbooked and totally out of my element. I wish I was more confident of my ability to tackle the unknown. Learning periods are always so hard for me. Any situation where I feel I do not have complete command is hard to bear.
I feel like such a failure in every single aspect of my life. There is this vision inside my head of the kind of person I aspire to be. She is a great person: kind, patient, even-keeled, confident and accomplished. She does not lose it when she can't find her keys. She does not leave dirty dishes in the sink for days. She plays with her kids and refrains from yelling when they misbehave. The real me just does not measure up at all. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in two years.