Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Sia, "Breathe Me"
I am carrying a family curse. It runs through my veins and I will never be rid of it. I have written about it before, many times before. I live with it every day. It informs my every action, colors my perception of life.
Sometimes I think I am a loser; others I realize I am the lucky one. Yes, I inherited my father's dark moods, the pervasive sadness, that anger that never really goes away, but crouches inside waiting to strike when you least expect it. But unlike my father and grandfather, I am not an alcoholic. And unlike my great-grandmother, I have not maimed and mutilated anybody. My biggest addiction was cigarettes, which I started smoking when I was fifteen. It took me twenty years to beat the nicotine habit, and on nights like this, it takes all the effort in the world not to jump in my car and buy a pack at the corner drugstore.
It has been said to me that pain is what reminds us that we are alive, that without pain we would not know when we are happy. That may be true, but it does not make it any easier to carry this load.