Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Counting down the minutes

It's Tuesday afternoon, almost 5:00 PM. I can't wait to get home. It's been an uneventful day at work today. I am looking forward to a nice evening at home.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Monday morning cliché barrage

I am cranky this morning and I do not want to be in the office. I am sluggish and unmotivated, and there is no amount of coffee that will help me shake this off.

I drove to work this morning, got there with ten minutes to spare. After I parked the car, I opened the trunk and realized I had left my computer bag at home. So I had to drive back home to retrieve it, muttering curse words under my breath and flirting with the idea of climbing in bed, slipping between the covers and watching Galactica DVDs all day instead of coming to the office. Pondering the facile irony of cylons leading the human resistance movement against cylons is more appealing to me this morning than office politics and spreadsheets.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A little less pressure, for now

Yesterday I had to present a proposal to my boss' boss, on an issue that has been causing friction and tension between groups. It is a high visibility matter and in the end someone is going to be pissed. The conflicts arising from this unresolved matter have been the biggest source of stress for me the last four months. Unfortunately, this is not something that will be completely solved without fallout. For the rest of the year, I will continue to deal with the consequences of whatever decision is made. And then it will be time to review the decision again, at which time the stress will start anew.

Still, it feels better to at least have a concrete plan and proposal in place. The final decision is in the hands of an executive, and I will find out this morning what the outcome is. Until it comes, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. Whew!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Perpetual Bitchfest

I am not happy lately. I am not happy. There, I said it. It's out of the bag.

I love my daughters. I love my husband. I hate my job. I hate my life. Or, rather, the way I have been living it lately. I hate how much the stress from work has grown lately, and how it has spilled over so overwhelmingly into my domestic life.

I am not handling the stress very well. I am unhappy. I am quick to anger and very easily confused. I am overly sensitive and get defensive at the slightest criticism. I am increasingly reclusive, resorting to working from home more frequently these days. Yes, I have been sick lately with a sinus infection. But I don't think that is the main reason why I worked from home 4 out of 5 days last week. I know it is not the reason why today I am fighting the urge to stay home and work remotely.

I have trouble falling asleep at night. I am tired all the time. My house is more cluttered and disorganized than ever, a predictable reflection of my inner turmoil.

What do I do? In less stressful times, I liked my job. I have a job with a decent salary and good benefits. For all my current stress, I can't even begin to imagine how much more difficult my life would be if it wasn't for this job. I am not struggling to pay my mortgage. I am not struggling to put food on the table or pay my bills. I do not have to worry about where am I going to get money to live. I am very aware that I am in a good situation. I do count my blessings. I do consider myself lucky. I could be a lot worse off, financially speaking.

But I am not happy. I am a nervous wreck. I am miserable. What do I do about that?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Blog post fragments

Quite often I start posts and never finish them. Periodically I go through the list of my posts on Blogger and purge these out. Once in a Blue Moon I finish a draft, but most of the time I have already moved on and lost interest.

The last few unfinished posts intrigue me somewhat. Make what you will of them.

Date: 3/27/2008
Title: Rambling

Sometimes I wonder if this is what a midlife crisis feels like.

Lately I find myself going through the motions, living day after day after fucking interminable day, the monotony of it all slowly killing me on the inside while a poor diet makes my outside swell like a balloon. I hate my life sometimes. Having my family by my side does not mitigate the ennui. Sometimes they annoy the hell out of me. The girls and their drama queen fits drain me. My husband, who is generous and supportive but also a knucklehead, also annoys me.

At least I am not alone. If I had no one else things would probably be worse.

I am bored, I am restless, I am angry. So very angry. I am sick and tired of walking on eggshells, of putting up with the fucking politics of people who love to spend their time pointing fingers and engaging in pointless analysis. I hate being proper, docile and subservient so I can get a fucking paycheck.

I wish I could speak my mind with no concern over consequences. I wish I could tell my employer (the company, not my actual boss) to go fuck itself. I hate that I have to exhibit a positive attitude at work, be a team player and all that crap, while having absolutely no guarantee at all that my performance and dedication will help me keep my job. At any moment I can be laid off in one of the perpetual cost optimization moves that my company engages in. At any time some brain dead jerk with an eye on the balance sheet may decide that someone in India or Central America can do my job for a fraction of the cost. And then it's bye-bye, we no longer need you, thank you for letting us suck you dry for eleven years.

The same week I wrote this, my 11-year anniversary at Big Computer came and went without any acknowledgment whatsoever on the part of the company. At least I still have a job.

Date: 3/31/2008
Title: Okay Monday

It was a busy day today, in a good way. It's been a while since I have felt good at work, so it was a nice change. I can't really pinpoint why today was different, it just was.

I had an early appointment for an eye exam. Just as I suspected, I need reading glasses now. I am getting old. Oh, well.

Date: 4/3/2008
Title: My life, or something like it:

Date: 4/4/2008
Title: “I’m not sure”

Today's Fiction Friday challenge is:
Describe a time your character gave up; and how it affected them for the rest of their life.

That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Baby loves the 80's

Not only is RickRolling still around, it even soothes crying infants!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sunday morning

It's 8:39 AM. In a few minutes we will pick up our daughters from my mother-in-law's house and go to have breakfast and take them to the park.

We had some alone time yesterday. It was good. Today I feel relaxed, content.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Fiction Friday- Slice of Life

Fiction Friday for April 11, 2008:

In honor of tax day (at least here in the US) write about how your character handles a serious bout of financial troubles. Do they take a mistress? Run away? Do something crazy? Or buckle down?

I had just come back from the unemployment office when the phone rang. I took a glance at the Caller ID. The hair on my arms stood on end.

The kids were jumping on the trampoline in the backyard, under the watchful eye of their mother. The kitchen smelled wonderfully. Myriam had made Sheperd's Pie for dinner. All I wanted to do was sit at the counter and take it all in, envelop myself in this goodness until everything else melted away. The piercing ring of the phone was ruining it for me, though. I did not want to take this call. Nothing good was going to come out of it.

Is there any easy way to say this? How do I tell them? How do you tell your family that you have failed them?

The phone stopped ringing. No voicemail. I looked out the window. The kids were playing tag now. Pretty soon it will be time for dinner. What I would give to be a kid again.

A goldfinch was sitting on a branch right outside my window. It trained its small, black eyes on me. We had a moment before it took off in flight. The birdfeeder was empty. Sorry, little dude. I did not mean to starve you.

I'm sure we can spare some rice.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Lately I am sleep deprived.

I am going to bed so late these days. I just can't sleep. I spend hours watching TV until I finally drift off.

The last couple of days my mother-in-law has commented on how rested and relaxed I look. It has made me chuckle, as I am anything but rested. Neither am I relaxed. I am calm, though. Am I too tired to be stressed out? I wonder.

Saturday, April 05, 2008


Last night was the 4th season premiere of Battlestar Galactica. The Sci-Fi Channel had been running past seasons reruns for days, but I only watched yesterday. I caught the two-part season 3 finale earlier that afternoon. It was good to watch again, because I had everything fresh on my mind coming into the new season. Of course, after watching the reruns, I got obsessed with the trigger song, a remake of "All Along the Watchtower" done by Bear McCreary. When I originally watched the season finale a year ago, the song did not make a lsting impression, but yesterday I got obsessed with it. I can't find it anywhere to purchase, so I will have to make do with a little video someone posted on YouTube (see below).

Anyway, the season 4 opening episode was alright. I guess I had been waiting for so long that I wanted to get more than what the show's producers were willing to give. There were some memorable scenes, though. Watching the show again this morning (of course I DVR'd it), it became clear to me that free will and choice will be central themes to the storyline this season.

The question on many watchers' minds is "who is that darn final Cylon and when will it be revealed?" I sure hope it is not Starbuck, or Adama for that matter. I think either of those choices will be lame. I am hoping that as the season progresses, things will become clearer, although I do not expect a "loose ends tied" kind of closure. BSG's creators love to revel in ambiguity, and frankly it is one of the shows strongest qualities, so I don't expect them to go all Cliff Notes on us.

Last, I found this clip of the BSG cast doing Letterman's Top 10 List. I don't watch Letterman, so I had not seen this before. Some of the lines were lame, but others made me chuckle.