Saturday, July 04, 2009

Still ailing

On Thursday I bit the bullet and went back to my allergist, whom I had not seen since 2006. Of course she was not very happy with me disappearing and letting a regular doctor take charge of my allergy/asthma treatment. She ordered me to stop using three of the medications prescribed by the other doctor, and prescribed two others in their place.

One of the meds she instructed me to stop taking is Singulair, a drug for which the FDA has recently issued a new warning related to neuropsychiatric side effects. I got nervous about this, because I have been taking Singulair for a long time and I have always felt that it works. When I mentioned my concerns, my doctor said "well, it's not working now, is it?" How can I argue with that? I am not doing well lately with my asthma. And I have experienced some of the symptoms included in the FDA list.

Except that I now fear without it things could get even worse. I have not exactly been feeling peachy since I saw my allergist. I know the new breathing treatments she prescribed are having effect, in the sense that I feel my chest opening up. But the cough and congestion are not going anywhere, and my chest and throat feel sore. Also, I notice now that my esophagus feels funny.

I had a horrible night last night, waking up several times during the night and having pretty disturbing dreams, one of which starred my husband as a manipulating, cold and evil sociopath. It scared me greatly and brought me to tears.

I am highly emotional today. I woke up Gabe after my nightmare and subjected him to my list of fears for my well being. Others may consider my fears to be irrational or greatly exaggerated. He patiently listened to it all, then made me breakfast.

It is possible that today's outbursts have been a little hormonally-driven, but at this point I have no way of gauging whether they are sensible concerns or out of proportion terrors. Justified or not, these fears for my well being are very real. I can't stop thinking about death. I am terrified of dying and have cried my eyes out today. Teary-eyed even as I sit writing this, I am on the verge of falling apart, and remain convinced that the only thing keeping me from letting go, from relinquishing my reason and giving in to the siren song of hysteria is the thought of my girls.


  1. I am worried about your asthma. As you know I am asthmatic too so I completely understand the anxiety that accompanies the condition. Have you found that your asthma is triggered by native plants or certain times of the year? Mine is bad at the moment with winter settling in. I am worried because usually it is only spring that affects me.

    I hope your allergist can get to the bottom of things. Try not to worry XXX

  2. It used to be that it would get bad in the winter, with the cold. But this year it got bad in winter, spring and now summer.

    I had allergy testing done once and it turned out that not many plants triggered a reaction. I think it was only two bushes not native to the US, but that can be found in Southern states. But dust, dust mites, mold, pollen, dog and cat dander were positive for allergies. And strong smells seem to be affecting me more now.

    I do think heartburn also comes into play. Last year, when I lost 35 lbs. I was doing great. Since gaining it all back over Nov-Dec 2008 my respiratory problems started spiraling out of control.

  3. You know that asthma and allergies are something I struggle with too, Ingrid. Sometimes I'm doing great, at other times I feel like everything is another problem and I never get to the bottom of it. Sometimes it takes a trial of several different asthma meds before you find one that works just right for you. Last year the immunologist I was seeing put me on Zyflo and it's made an amazing difference! I also do breathing treatments whenever my asthma starts acting up and usually it helps a great deal. I know well how feeling crappy half the time can wear you down not just physically but emotionally. Please take good care of yourself and talk to a doc that can help with those feelings if it starts taking a dark turn. Meds can have weird affects on us, so can hormones, and sometimes just life in general. I promise that this time too will pass and things will be brighter. Never give up! XOXOXO

  4. Last night I was doing all I could to refrain from freaking out. It was definitely one of those times when emotions wreak havoc, you know? So I took a Xanax in the evening and it calmed me down. I actually had a good night, slept through and in the morning I am not sore. I still have congestion and need to continue the breathing treatments, but I feel a lot better.

  5. I am so glad to hear you are feeling a bit better today, Ingrid. Nothing is more distressing than bad dreams and little restful sleep coupled with breathing difficulty and stress. I've noticed that food allergy issues can also cause me to feel anxious and unwell. I'm glad you've gone back to the specialist. Keep going 'til they get the right combo of meds working for you! HUGS

  6. (((((((Ingrid)))))))

    Hopefully the meds just need some more time to do their magic. I'm glad Gabe's there for you.