Friday

It hasn't been a great week for my mood. Today is not shaping up to be that great either. I should shake off this funk. There are things planned for today, fun things. I am having lunch with my friend T (who is down from Colorado this week) and a few other old coworkers from when I was in the LA group. Also, I am going to a ball game tonight. Gabe, his partner and the rest of the office are having firm portraits taken today. After that, they are going to the ballpark to watch an Astros/Yankees game. There's a ticket for me, and I will meet them after I get off work.

I am going through the motions, though. I could not care less. Depressed people are so self-absorbed. The more despair you feel, the narrower your tunnel vision becomes, until you are incapable of looking at anything other than your pain.

This last bout has been building up over a long period of time. I have neglected so many of my friends, both online and offline. I have simply disappeared. Two of my friends had babies in the last year, and I have not visited or seen their children. I don't call anybody on the phone. I have stopped visiting my fellow mothers' online groups. I telecommute far more than necessary, just so I do not have to go into the office. I have become a recluse, only spending time with my immediate family.

Because this is a recurring a pattern throughout my life, because some of these traits are part of of my makeup, sometimes it is not quite clear to me when things are really getting out of hand.

The world of a depressed person can be in so much turmoil, even when absolutely nothing is going on. It is quite tiring. I wish I could snap out of it already. Frankly, all that anguish becomes boring, like the dull ache of an old sports injury that is always there.