Ugh

Every time the phone rings and my caller ID says it's my doctor's office, I cringe a little.

I had a mammogram on Wednesday. Because it is my first, and they are trying to establish a baseline, I was warned that I may get called back for more images or different tests, but that it does not necessarily mean they have found something wrong.

So when I got the call yesterday afternoon, I was calm and collected. I understood. But shortly after I hung up, fear and worry started to creep up.

"Abnormal densities" is not a phrase you want to hear uttered in reference to your breasts.

So now I have two more tests I have to make, an ultrasound and something about spot compression.

I called my mom almost in tears. She told me not to worry, that sometimes if your breast tissue is dense it makes it hard for them to search for possible cancer, so they like to do more tests to understand what is there. She had to do this years ago, because she was told one of her breasts was dense. And it wasn't even the one where she ended up developing cancer. She reassured me everything will be alright. But will it? Am I worrying too much, should I just chill out?

My mortality, the fragility of my body, are painfully obvious these days. I am only 39, yet I feel so old. I am 55 lbs. overweight and it's hard to lose the excess pounds. I am pre-diabetic, my estrogen levels are on the floor and my damn heel hurts all the time. I am trying to make changes, to eat right and to exercise. But is it too little, too late? Am I doomed? Should I even bother?

Stage Fright

I am nervous this morning. I have a big presentation this afternoon.

I always get apprehensive when I have to speak in public, especially when it is in front of the big bosses. And the review is about a big issue that we have been working on for months, one that has a lot of visibility and about which there are strong, conflicting positions by two groups.

I can't shake the feeling that, no matter how fair and diplomatic I am, I will end up pissing off someone. Not much I can do about that, other than accept it.

The Quiet

The last few days, I have felt strangely quiet, both at work and at home.

Thanks to everybody for the encouraging comments and well wishes I have received the last few days, both on my previous post and via e-mail/IM.

It feels better to know there is something concrete causing my symptoms (low hormone levels), but in the end there may not be a definitive explanation as to what causes this drop. My doctor had mentioned that more and more they see cases like mine and it could be related to our diet, environmental conditions, etc.

I do not know the results of my ultrasound yet. Yesterday I met with a dietician. I had requested a referral from my doctor because I needed a human being to advise and coach me through these changes we need to make. It is not easy. It will require effort and to learn again what is right versus what we do.

The dietician was smart and suggested we start small, with only three major goals. She left me to choose two of them and she suggested the third one.

First, I picked "having breakfast every day." She stressed the importance of having breakfast. This is something I have heard before, but it is something I have never been able to consistently do. My goal now is to ensure I have breakfast every day. I am also supposed to have snacks during the day. This should eliminate some of the compulsive nibbling I do at night, which according to the dietician is my body's way of preparing for starvation in the morning.

The second goal is to learn what are proper portion sizes, and adjust my eating to fit this. Living in Texas, the land where everything is ginormous, it can be quite an eye opener when you realize what a normal portion size should be. She gave me some great suggestions about keeping shelfs in the fridge and cupboards with snacks in the right portion sizes, something we can all reach for easily.

Last, she wants me (and Gabe) to keep a diary of what we eat. This may be the hardest one. I have tried doing this in the past, with certain online tools. I have never been able to stick with it, partly because they were all about calorie counting. The dietician said not to focus on calories, or on how foods are cooked. My focus should be in my major goals and nothing else.

I am cautiously optimistic. This is not the first time I have attempted to change my eating habits. Wish me luck, my friends.

Just another day

I woke up with a dull headache. Must have coffee.

Ever since I came back from my doctor's appointment, I have been concerned. I haven't had much time to dwell on it, but I am a bit concerned.

I know now why I feel the way I do. It is not my thyroid. All the thyroid tests came back normal. But my estradiol levels are low, very low. I do not know why. The doctor wants me to take birth control pills to regulate my hormone levels. But first she wants me to do a pelvic ultrasound, because I complained of pelvic pain during my checkup. I go for this today.

I wonder if they will find something, and if they do, what it will be. I am a little apprehensive today.

Day from hell

It's been an awful day. I had intended to take the day off, so I could go to my doctor's appointment and do any follow up tests she ordered. Fat chance. I was at the doctor's office when the phone rang. It was work. Fires to put out. Drama. I am so tired. If it wasn't for the salary and benefits, I would have walked out on the job today.

Domestic Saturday (Maybe)

I woke up around 9:30 AM, after going to be around 1:00 AM. Gabriel and Isabel are still asleep. Left to their own devices, those two could sleep until 1:00 PM. Like father, like daughter.

Of course, as soon as I wrote that line, the door to our bedroom opened and Gabriel came out. Way to shut me up.

I may continue this weekend with my domestic pursuits. Last weekend I finished the living/family room and got all toys out of there. This weekend I may tackle our front room (library/office), which is looking pretty cluttered and shabby right now. It is the first room you see when you come into my house, and right now it is full of leftover storage boxes, mountains of paper and toys, tons of toys. It's a big project, so I do not think I will have it ready in one weekend, but one has to start somewhere.

We also want to go to the movies this weekend. Hellboy II is playing.

Blah Thursday

I had a hard time waking up this morning. I am feeling well beyond tired. I am quite moody (last night I was so angry). The dry eyes/blurred vision is not going away anytime soon, and to the list of symptoms you may add complete brain fog.

Tuesday afternoon

My eyes are bothering me. I think they are kinda dry, and my vision has gotten blurry, so I am wearing my glasses today. They are reading glasses for when I work on the computer, but usually I do not need them.

Along with my eyes, my brain is fuzzy today. I have been flirting with a headache all day. I feel quite tired. I am definitely going to bed early tonight.

Shopper

I see them at the store, and I have to have them. I have so many of them, and I can't seem to part with them. Some are old and full of creases where I have abused them. Others are brand new, waiting for my first touch. I love them all. I can't live without them.

What do you think I am talking about? The answer is hidden in the line below. You will see if you select the whole line with your cursor.
IT'S BOOKS!!!

This will not work if you read my blog through a reader, so sorry about that.

Overcast, 30% chance of freakout

Last night my cycle started. I felt it necessary to warn Gabe.

I said: "If I am freaking out and cranky tomorrow, you will know why."
He responded: "Or it could be that it's Monday and you'll get grumpy because Mondays always suck."

I loved that answer. It makes me realize I should not take this so seriously. I do not want self-fulfilling prophesies.

I went to the lab this morning. My doctor had wanted me to get some blood tests done to measure all kinds of hormones. We'll see what they find.

I feel funny this morning; not mad or sad, just strange. Maybe a bit on edge, maybe just more mentally tired than usual.