Everyone keeps asking, what’s it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can’t figure out
Barely Breathing- Duncan Sheik
I have not done Three Word Wednesday in such a long time. Let's see how it goes. This week's words are Money, Tangled and Understood.
Isabel's whimpers and cries for her bobo (pacifier) woke me up at 5:30 this morning. After looking for her bobo all over the bed, I found it all tangled up in the knitted blanket from Nana. I gave it to her, and in an instant she was back to sleep. Meanwhile, I was up and alert. Way too alert, almost jumpy. Gabe got up and went to the bathroom. He saw me sitting up in bed, asked if I was OK. I was not. An unexplained sadness was oozing from me. It wasn't due to a dream, since the last I remember before waking up was this SNL skit playing in my head. Was it hormones affecting my mood, perhaps? The feminist in me hates that explanation as it reeks of determinism and can be used to dismiss valid concerns. The woman in me knows there is a lot of truth to the statement that hormone fluctuations can wreak havoc in your psyche.
Gabe came back to bed. He touched my hand and said he hoped I could get back to sleep. By then I was looking for the TV remote control, and crawling out of my skin. How can you go from a funny dream to extreme anxiety in a matter of minutes? All I could think of was money. Have I already spent too much this Spring Break week? Will we have enough money to last us through the end of the month? In this economic climate, what will happen if I were to lose my job? Will I be able to find another job that would pay enough to cover our household expenses?
Gabriel complained of nasal congestion and asked me if we had any medicines to help with that. I mentioned he could either take an allergy pill or a non-drowsy decongestant. But then I thought about the fact that non-drowsy meds can accelerate the heart, and my mind went off on another tangent. What will happen to us if Gabriel dies? Will I be able to carry on and support my kids on my own? Will I lose my house? What will happen to my family?
A wave of anxiety hit me and I started to cry. I felt so lost, so helpless and alone. I begged Gabe to take care of himself and not die, as I did not have anybody else here to help me carry on. My family is all back home. My father has been dead for 18 years. My mom is nearing 70; she's had cancer and she suffers from high blood pressure. When she dies, I surely will lose my moorings.
Normally I am confident, strong, self-reliant. Insecure, clingy people annoy me, yet that was exactly what I had been reduced to at that moment. Gabe got up and came over to my side of the bed. He gave me a hug and told me he understood how I felt. He said if his mother died he would have a hard time coping too, as she is the only inmediate family he has left. He then went back to bed and asked me to try and get some rest, that it was still early. But I was wide awake by then, so I got up and went outside the room. I listened to some music and decided to tackle the Three Word Wednesday challenge.
This was good writing! Nice to see you back at it. :-) I sometimes experience bouts of anxiety like this too. One little thought can start an avalanche of fears that make my heart pound. I am glad you have Gabe to talk with and that you write,expressing those fears helps to tame them into something more manageable. There is very little we can do about the future or even tomorrow, but we can find the strength in us to face what life hands us today. I try hard to stay focused on living in the now. A future of "what ifs" is much too scary. The future can also bring amazing surprises and happy times!
ReplyDelete(((((hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteGreat honest writing. There's no shame in worrying and everyone needs comfort sometime.
Rose
xo
Welcome back to 3WW! Good to see you again.
ReplyDeleteAnxiety always seems heightened (and somewhat less rational) in the middle of the night. I'm sure you'll be back to normal in no time.
Sorry you feel that way but it's so understandable. Always normal but more normal these days.
ReplyDeleteMy mother's death was the hardest thing that happened to me
I couldn't imagine life without her. She fell and died a month after 9/11 and we lived in New York--me Manhattan, my mother Queens
I only mention this because I learned to understand that it was her time
It took a lot of depression and blogging my heart out--bloggers were amazing.
When you have a blog you have a built in caring community
And you have Gabe and 70 isn't really old anymore--but fear is fear, rational or not
well honey... you just tell that little feminist voice in your head to STFU... as this is what women do... at times... for no other reason.. than because they are woman... and no amount of equal rights for equal pay is more powerful than estrogen....the beauty is,, it ebbs as quickly as it flows...
ReplyDeleteXXOO
hope you felt after the 3WW attempt, distraction is the best policy I find. Nice take.
ReplyDeleteI call these the night demons - the worries that keep me up at night or wake me up in the early hours. The voices that don't shut off. I like the honesty of your words, and the descriptions. Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty, it's all normal, please don't beat yourself up, please try to worry about it when it happens, you're too important to be bogged down about something that's inevitable ... chin up ;)
ReplyDeleteGood to see you back at 3WW!
ReplyDeleteSo honest post!
This really touched me. The raw honesty of it. I have similar thoughts sometimes ("If this element of my life were to fall away, what would I become?"), but I find it really hard to get those thoughts out. Not for lack of words, but because if I say them out loud or write them out, then those thoughts become real. Thank you for being an outlet, in a way, for my own fear of my fears.
ReplyDeleteIt all sounds very normal to me (all the what if thoughts). I (we all) go through those more often than not. How they can easily lead you to anxiety and depression is no joke at all. I know it's easier said than done, but fortunately, it's in our power (strictly, in our power) to overcome these thoughts, images and feelings. As I write this today, I'm just recovering from a bout with depression that had me wishing I'd owned a gun, to end it all with (although I know, deep inside, that if I did own one, I'd probably be too scared, and just purely reluctant, to take the easy way out). Glad that's over now! It took some doing, but eventually I got over that, and all day today, I've been whistling and singing, thank goodness!
ReplyDeleteIt's such a wonderful coincidence that tonight, looking for the phone number for one of my cousins, I stumbled upon the link to this blog, and to this post. I'm glad I did, as upon reading it, I knew I had to contribute my two cents worth. Cheer up, no one can do it for you, but you definitely can do it. As you know, I know a thing or two about losing a mother (my own). Yeah, that was the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. There's absolutely no one who could ever replace a mother! And yes, it is extremely saddening and depressive when it happens. It's only natural. Yet, it's OK to be sad and depressed, when that happens. After all, it's a HUGE loss! But we owe it to ourselves (and of course, to her), to take control and just be thankful that we had her.
I still remember my first experience with what I love to call "the magic of gratitude." Long ago, I had this beautiful white chihuahua, Cindy. I'd had her since she was just two weeks old. I remember how she fit perfectly in the palm of my hand then. Over the years we became so close. She was my baby. And I was her everything! Then, I lost her. I remember the day so well, when after making the arrangements with her veterinarian for her to be cremated and laid out to rest, I had to face the reality of my never being able to see her, hold her, and enjoy her. I was overwhelmed, chrushed! It was then, as I began wondering how I was going to be able to get through life without my beloved friend (child, was more like it), that the idea hit me that I should be glad that I'd had her for eleven wonderful years. Lo and behold, I call it magic, because that's how it turned out for me. The moment I said thanks, for having Cindy for all those great and wonderful years, all sadness immediately left me. In its place there was instead a great feeling of gladness, joy, and peace. And I knew then that I hadn't really lost her, for all I had to do was think of her and be glad. I realized too, that it was even better now, as she wouldn't be able to suffer again anymore.
It's been over 25 years since Cindy's been gone. I think of her very often. But not once in all those years have I suffered over Cindy. Instead, each time I remember her, It's a moment of great gladness for me. But, such is "the magic of gratitude!" It's helped me survive the loss of my mother. As with Cindy, there's nothing but gladness, when I think of mother!
Love,
Uncle Jr.
Ingrid, that last comment is from me, your uncle Jr. I sent it anonymous because I didn't have an ID then. I created one now: angelofromny. I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog tonight. You had sent me the URL long ago, but I'd forgotten to visit it (shame on me!). I'll be visiting you often now.
ReplyDeleteBless you, and love you,
Uncle Jr.
(angelofromny)
email: angelobonilla @ netscape.com
Ingrid, Uncle Jr. again, to invite you to visit my own just created blog:
ReplyDeletehttp://boricuainnyc.blogspot.com/
You're invited to be the first one to visit it.
Love,
Uncle Jr.
(angelofromny)
It's so easy to worry at night, when all is quiet except for the thoughts in your head.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are blessed to have someone there to comfort and reassure you.
I think these all sound like very normal worries and fears.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
It's trite and all, but be thankful for what you have and try to take things a day at a time. You'll be OK.