December Vacation, Day 2

Day one of my vacation is under my belt, but I do not have much to show for it. My biggest accomplishment yesterday was gift-wrapping some of the girl's Christmas presents. No progress on the mountain of dishes, or the piles of papers and unread mail. Gabe and I talked about him maybe coming early from work so we could spend some (much needed) time alone, but he got caught up with work and it did not happen. This bugged me more than anything else, and I spent last night acting all cranky and sulky, even though I had earlier said it was fine and not to worry about it. I had never considered myself a passive-aggressive person, I guess I learn something new about myself every day.

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, my chest tight. I had to do an asthma treatment and take an expectorant. I hate living in a place with poor air quality. But it is the cold that affects me the most. As soon as the temperature drops, I start wheezing. Every year I get a bad cold, bronchitis or a walking pneumonia.

Today I have lunch with my friend Amanda. I am looking forward to that. Maybe afterwards I will get a massage. I would have expected to be relaxed today, this being my second day away from work. But my shoulders are stiff and I have a knot in my stomach. For someone so quick to anger, so expressive in my emotions, I am wound up surprisingly tight.

I am on a reflective mood this morning. I think of where I am now, and try to recall if I ever had a life plan, a place where I envisioned myself at forty. I don't think I ever did. I have lived most of my life on an accidental basis, driving without a map. Despite this, I think things have turned out okay for me. Why, then, am I so restless? I think of trade-offs, the things I have given up and the things that I have; I am not sure that I have made the right decisions in that area. I am not sure that I value what I have more than what I wish I had. That is a terrible thing to think. It makes me feel selfish and greedy.