Just get the big L tattooed to my forehead

When I was young, my mother praised my intelligence so much. She built me up so high, told me I was so intelligent that it was a duty to use my brain to do something big and of importance with my life.

I was fascinated by science books and loved animals, so I was going to be a scientist when I grew up and discover the cure of cancer or something else equally big and important. This was said in all seriousness. My family had very cultured people, and some trailblazers in its ranks, after all. My grandpa's brother, who was my favorite uncle growing up, was a famous painter. My maternal grandmother had been one of the first group to graduate from the Normal School at the University of Puerto Rico. She was a math teacher and eventually became a school director.

Both my mother and father graduated from college and did some graduate work, my father in Stanford and my mother in Berlin on a Fullbright scholarship. So my mother's expectations of me were pretty high. And I am sorry to say I have been a huge disappointment. First of all, I switched majors on my second semester, changing from Biology to History. Then I graduated college with no clue of what to do with my life. I dropped law school after one semester. I remember the day I told my mom I was not going to be a lawyer and that what I really liked to do was write short stories. She looked at me and said "Then you'd better damn be the best writer there is." I think that comment jinxed me. For years I suffered from writer's block. I lost the spark. Eventually I just gave up on that part of my life altogether and focused on making a living.

I started working from the ground up. I did not have any friends in high places to give me a hand, and I had majored in History but had no inclination at all to be a teacher. So my first jobs were clerical in nature (receptionist at a San Juan newspaper, salesclerk at the UW University Bookstore in Madison, WI, office clerk at a clothing manufacturer back in San Juan).

I have been working 10 years for my current employer, and I have moved up the ranks from Administrative Assistant to Business Planning Manager. Fancy title, eh? It's actually pretty generic, it really doesn't convey well what I do. I like my job very much. I truly have a career by accident. I knew nothing about this business when I started. I have learned all I know on the go. Sometimes I think about it, this accumulation of experience and industry knowledge I have. It's hard to gauge it accurately. I fear I know less than I should. I suspect I may not realize how much I actually know. Does that make sense?

I love my daughters, and I want them to be the best they can possibly be. But I do not want to make the mistake my mom made. Her expectations of me were so high that they crushed me.