There is an expression in my native Puerto Rico, which translates as "when the room fills with water". It is roughly the equivalent of saying that you are up to your neck in water.
I like the Spanish expression better, because saying that our room is filling up with water evokes much better the sense of invasion one feels when troubles assault our inner sanctum. Also, the idea of a room, which has finite dimensions, accomodates better my sense of self than the more vague "water up to my neck" image. I'd rather have my room, my life, my mental space filling up with water, than be somewhere vast and unknown with water up to my neck. At least in my room I can grab a bucket and start throwing the water out.
So what happens when the room fills up completely? We open a window, of course.
It's something I need to do this week. Stuff is coming at me from all directions. I have realized my emotions are too all over the place for me to not address them. I am quick to cry and even quicker to anger. I am constantly worried about money and about my family. Blogging and reclaiming the craft of writing have been good, but at the same time have made me feel even more precarious. Most of what I have written lately has roots in my personal history, and in the process of drafting my short vignettes, I have tapped into feelings that were dormant and now are on the prowl.
I am extremely stressed out. If I do not do something, my work will be affected, and that is something I never ever allow. I don't mess with the source of my livelihood. I have kids, I simply can't afford to have a breakdown. So today I called my employer's employee assistance program. They refer employees to a counselor and give us a set number of free sessions per year. The lady who spoke to me even offered to schedule a session for this afternoon. I must have sounded really desperate. But I can't make it today, or tomorrow. There is too much to do, too many deadlines at work and I am trying to keep up, so it will have to be Wednesday. I do long to sit in front of someone and let it all out. I don't want advice, I just want to be able to open the windows and let the water spill out of the room.
Sounds like an excellent plan, Ingrid. You work for a wonderful company that provides such services, in the long run it will benefit them too. I loved the image of a room filling up with water and I'm glad that you are seeking ways to open windows and start bailing. We all know when we've reached our limits and need a place to vent. Good for you! And yes, delving into our history to write does sometimes conjur up some demons that we long since forgot about. It can be a healing process too.
ReplyDeleteThat is a great company to provide services for its employees along those lines. I am glad you are being proactive in finding an outlet for the thoughts and feelings that are surfacing right now. You're in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteFunny, I was actually just about to suggest you look into that! I have many friends who work at your company and you should definitely take advantage of those services!
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you need anything!
cuando el cuarto se llena de agua ahy que nadar hacia la orilla, agarrarse de un tronco fuerte & respirar profundo... and you did just that! making the call is your tronco...
ReplyDeletegreat blog!
-Ive-
I'm glad you have that service as well. I have it too, and I have used it twice in 10 years....honestly I should have used it more.
ReplyDeleteI like the words you used to describe it. I hope letting the water out helps you tremendously.
hugs!
I'm thinking of you, Ingrid, and hoping that your session on Wednesday brings some peace and an opportunity to let some things out!
ReplyDeleteBlogging is, for you, as it is for me, a kind of therapy. Whenever you reconnect with those old feelings and memories in a therapy session, it is painful. I started going to a therapist last week myself. It was painful, but things had gotten so bad that I couldn't even write for a while. Things get better. Know that people care about you and you are in our thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of a song, so I will insert the lyrics here:
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
I have, I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck
I don't, don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait, I'll wait for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come
Pick us up off the floor what did you possibily expect under this condition so
Slow down, this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue
And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground
Beneath, my feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now
All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down this nights a perfect shade of
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue
We were boxing, we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing) you were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the west coast
And took the power lines, the power lines
And it was me and you and the whole town underwater
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue (dark blue...)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know...