The exchange

It's 5:30 AM Central, and this is my third post. Can you tell that I have been having trouble sleeping? I woke up around 3:00 AM with a headache, a tight chest and the feeling of being a failure. Why, you ask? Well, I guess I am full of shit. The other day I said I had no regrets other than my smoking habit. I guess I should have qualified that. I do not have regrets for the things I have done. It's the things I did not get to do that haunt me. I am starting to realize I may never get a chance to do them, and that is painful.

I found my niece on Facebook yesterday and I was very excited to ask her all about her exchange semester at the Universidad Complutense in Madrid, Spain. She had a blast, took some wonderul courses, traveled all over Europe, walked everywhere and learned to be self-reliant, as she was alone for long periods of time. She broke free from the island-centric mentality we have so ingrained when we are born and raised in Puerto Rico. She learned a lot and is clearly excited about putting some plans in motion. It was truly a formative experience. I was very happy for her and extremely proud to be her aunt. But I also felt sad for myself. When I was at the UPR I had two friends who did the same exchange semester, but I never got to go. I did not think my parents would send me, so I never asked. Recently I mentioned this to my mom and she said they would have if I had just asked. I wish I had known that back then. Ugh.

I remember that my mom had a summer school trip to Italy when she was in college, an experience I heard so much about when I was growing up. Then I remembered that Gabe had the opportunity to bum around Europe for about 10 months after he got out of college. I may have had a chance, but I blew it because I did not even dare ask. So I felt bad about my missed chance. Gabe said we should make plans to travel to Europe. But come on, let's face it, we can't afford it. It sucks, because we are supposed to be people who are doing fairly well financially, but we have no savings and basically live from paycheck to paycheck. I may not even get a company bonus this year, something that I used to almost take for granted.

Paula saw I was upset and got upset herself. I told her that if she ever has the chance to go on a student exchange, she should take without thinking twice, that I would make the effort to send her. She said she would not go because she did not want to make me sad like this. That, of course, made me feel like a colossal ass. I don't want my daughter to deprive herself in a show of solidarity.

I am proud of and happy for my niece. And I would absolutely love it for my daughter to have the same mind-expanding experience she had this past semester. I get sad and angry at myself because I missed an opportunity. When we are younger, we don't realize that life is not always going to be there for the taking. Not in the same way at least. So we slack off. And that is not always a good idea.